Current System Configuration: Back to Work
–Storming the Burning Fields by Dragonforce
–A Song of Storm and Fire by Yuki Kajiura
[Breakfast]: Pancakes and peanut butter
[Lunch:] none yet
[Dinner] none yet
Current Reading List:
Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss (I haven’t finished it yet <_<)
The Crystal Shard by R.A. Salvatore
Yes, New Year’s resolutions are useless–they’re so easy to break and ignore and shove under the rug mere days after having made them. Perhaps this is because we may have the intentions, but we lack the motivations to follow through. After all, it’s often the follow through that’s important.
Ask any athlete and they’ll tell you that the follow-through is important; it is in basketball, it is in golf, it is in rifle shooting–practically anything. Keeping your eyes on the goal after you shoot are as important as the actual shooting. So what keeps your eyes on the goal after you begin? Motivation.
Most of this is taken from Pastor Peter’s sermon this morning, but of course I’m including how I’m applying it to my life. Some of my decisions might shock you, but really–I’m happy I made them.
“…prepare to meet your God, O Israel.” –Amos 4:12
This line is often quoted, and many see it as a verse that talks about judgment. Indeed, it is–the context of the chapter is that God was recounting the many times that He saved Israel, and yet they never turned to him– “You were like a burning stick snatched from the fire, yet you have not returned to me.” (v.11) But the word prepare is very important.
Thus, I remembered what I have to do. But how does one prepare to meet God?
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what lies behind and straining on toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 3:12-14
We are saved by grace, yes–but the Bible tells us that we’re saved to do God’s work, and this work is rewarded even more in heaven. We don’t work for the salvation, but we’re saved to work. Now, what I’ve learned today has confirmed a decision I made a couple of days ago.
Remember that obsession of mine that I was, um, obsessing about in some of my previous entries?
I’ve given it up, and this time, it’s for good–unless God tells me “What on earth were you thinking? THIS IS FOR YOU!”. Yes, after nearly ten years, I’ve held on to it, nursed it, clutched it like a blanket, and I closed my heart off from every other girl on the planet even if this one person I was attracted to barely responded. But this time, the Lord took it off my heart and for the first time in nearly a decade—I. FEEL. FREE.
Yes, a decade of wallowing in a fantasy that I chased after is finally over. And no, I did not do this out of bitterness. I did it because I finally realized that it doesn’t really work, because it was distracting me from my faith, and because I realized that I am in no position to put myself above God in this matter.
It doesn’t really work because it’s clear she really has next to nothing in common with me, and she does not respond. I don’t really seem to be worthy of attention–and believe me, I’m not saying this with bitterness. At this point in my life, our paths seem to be different, and forcing the issue will definitely do more harm than good.
This obsession was definitely distracting me from my faith. I had the wrong motives for participating in many church activities, and the first and last thoughts that I had every single day were of her. Talk about obsessive. It was more and more difficult to pray, more and more difficult to meditate. I just had to drop it.
Lastly. In our community, we often refer to our ideal life partners as “God’s Best”–G.B., for short. Because of my Foolish and Futile™ way of thinking, I thought that no one could be more “God’s Best” than her—which I now see is a completely idiotic assumption. How could she even be GB if she doesn’t find anything interesting with me? (As being GB is reciprocal and mutual–it isn’t one-way) Again, I’m not saying this out of bitterness. I’m saying this objectively and with a calm, logical mind. See, because someone can be better than her. Make her like video games or anime, or make her a fellow teacher, and I’m sure she’d be a lot more interested in me—and that’s just superficial. I’m sure there are other ways in which someone else can be better–and best.
Again, I’m not bitter. If she even knew who she was, I’d leave her this message:
Thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally. Thank you for all the prayers you’ve allowed me to pray on your behalf, all the joys I’ve shared with you in your triumphs. I’m sorry for all my failures in being a friend to you, but I thank you for teaching me how to be a man without you knowing it. Thank you for setting my heart ablaze, and helping me learn that I could keep it burning that long. Whether our paths cross again in the future or not, I’m glad you taught me how to love.
The freedom this gives me is just beyond my understanding. Maybe it will go back to her, maybe it won’t–but I have made a rational decision to get over it. Praise God.
With that out of the way, I see many more important things that I have to do, many more areas of my life that need improvement. I’m excited as to what this new year will bring. Perhaps my students should share in that excitement. 😀 I’d like to leave you guys with this.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will.
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill.
When funds are low and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about.
When he might have won had he stuck it out:
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.
– Author unknown
Pressing On Towards the Goal,
Your Black Lion