Eating My Words

Earworms:
-Agony Is My Name by Rhapsody of Fire
-The Seven Angels from Avantasia: The Metal Opera

Projects:
The Black and the Purple D&D Campaign: 15%
Nightwatch by Sergei Lukyanenko: 33%
REX 3.0 MMERPG: 50%
Preparations for school opening: 66%

Yesterday afternoon I was pouring out my heart to Fil about how someone does not pay much attention to me. I was going around yesterday, angsting spitefully about it, claiming that it was about time that I discarded this long-standing infatuation that was becoming more of a burden than the inspiration that it used to be. This morning I was asking God to take it away from me again, and this time I was sure that I didn’t want it anymore.
I was rationalizing this bitterness, saying I didn’t want to hate this person at all. But you’d think that after ten years of knowing each other, she’d be more open to me at least as I am open to her. But no, I was just not receiving any indication of any opening up, no indication of any softening. I was really down about it this morning.

Then came Sunday worship. God really has a way of using it to uplift me, that much is true. But this time, it was strangely different.

I sit there in my usual place in the front row, brooding, telling God that despite how awesome she looked that morning I would not look, I would not care, and I would concentrate on worship. Then all of a sudden, while I’m angsting into space, she passes by and seems not to pay any attention at all, even as I looked up. Hah, I thought. See, Lord? She doesn’t care at all. Come on, Lord, I don’t want to deal with this anymore.

Then she passes by a second time, going in the other direction, and says hi to someone. I didn’t realize it was to me until both my brother and grandma called my attention to it.

Facepalm. Messed up again, but the Lord has been doing this more and more in my life lately: providing object lessons to the Sunday worship sermons. I realized that throughout the entire service I was looking at her again and watching for an opportunity to apologize. (It never came, had to settle for a text message afterward.)

The message was about how immutable God is–He, being the eternal and absolute existence, does not change–quite unlike everything and everyone else.

Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.
They shall perish, but thou shalt endure: yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed: But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.
–Psalm 102:25-27

The mere name that God uses to refer to Himself, I AM, stands for His self-sufficient and absolute existence. He has no beginning and no end because He just is, and thus is bound by neither time nor space, both of which are His creations.

And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.–Exodus 3:14

Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Before Abraham was, I AM. –John 8:58

It may seem to us that God changes His mind as the circumstances in our lives change, but many times we fail to notice that throughout these changing circumstances, His faithfulness and character do not. He is absolutely and infinitely dependable due to His unchanging nature and character, and as such it is a very good idea to put one’s faith in Him.

Later on in the message, Pastor Peter said that God’s Word and His standards do not change.

<blockquote><em> Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. </em>–1 Corinthians 6:9-11</blockquote>

Take note the covetous part. I realized this actually applies to myself–why would I download stuff illegally from the net when I can buy it legally? I felt like I wanted to begin the gradual removal of piracy from my life with RPG books. I’d already stopped buying pirated video games (except for testing–I always purchase an original copy after seeing if it works on my rig), so I figured that RPG books would be the next logical step. Due to the cost of these books it would take quite a while to replace all my PDFs with hard copies, but my brother said he was willing to split the costs with me once he starts getting his allowance again. I guess after this, the next step would be getting actual legal copies of my music (which will be very difficult, considering that I can’t find Rhapsody of Fire or Avantasia anywhere in the Philippines. Oh well.

Regardless, I’m glad to finally have this off my chest–this habit of illegally-obtained material has been bothering me for the longest time.

Tomorrow’s the first day of school, and I’m pretty excited. I’m also nervous as I still have no idea as to what I’m going to do in my third year sections! We meet only three times a week, so I have to save time. <_< Oh well. I guess I’ll have to do what Ma’am O says I can do well–feeling my way through unknown terrain.

~ by J. R. R. Flores on June 3, 2007.

4 Responses to “Eating My Words”

  1. Let me tell you a story.

    Two college friends and I once attended a party in our org. One of my friends had a huge crush on a fellow member and throughout the entire night, we coaxed him to just strike up a conversation with her. Hopefully, he would even end up asking her out.

    The hours went on and still no progress. When it was almost time to call it a night, we asked our friend whether he would finally make his move. He asked us, “Can we stay a little longer?” It turned out that some people were staying on until morning and she was one of them.

    I flatly told him, “If the next hour will be just like the past four hours, I think we better go. What difference will another second make if you’ll end up spending it like the last minute?”

    We left early. Our friend ended up never speaking another word to her, but deep inside we knew he was just waiting for another chance. But it never happened. And as he learned harshly, the only guarantee life has is that someday he will lose the chance. Months later, the girl ended up with someone else.

    Joey, all I can say is that there is no worse feeling in the world than knowing that things could have turned out differently if we just tried. And if they don’t, at least you can find comfort that you did everything you could.

    I have been where you are — feeling that history and the universe all conspire to bring two people together — but trust me, it still takes one moment, one action to make it all happen. Perhaps you’re afraid that you’ll just screw it up but trust me, you could do worse — you could do nothing!

    My friend, we have your back. Do what you feel you must and we’ll be there for whatever happens next. It’s not going to be easy but heck, when is it ever?

  2. Thanks, Martin. That’s the thing–everything I try is simply met with monosyllabic answers. I don’t really get much. I’ve given flowers a couple of times, invited her for movies, had lunch with her once (she was with all her girlfriends and I was just um, there). It all just kinda disappears off the face of the earth.

  3. Then if you can convince yourself that you’ve done the best you can, you can try moving on. Perhaps there is someone more deserving of your effort. Unless of course you feel that there is still something you can do. But then I’d ask you the same question I asked my friend. Do we continue to stay now that the party is over?

    I can see that you feel the impetus to move on. Perhaps that is the next thing to do. Your call. But it won’t be easy either. We can talk more about this soon, but as a practical tip, it all starts with realizing that there are other things deserving of your effort and acknowledging that these pay off for you. And knowing how spiritual you are, I am sure you won’t have a difficult time realizing what it is.

  4. Also, ask yourself if any of this is actually helping you grow as an individual. Oh I had a lot of those female targets back in college where I constantly ask myself, could she be the one? And then when one of them reciprocates more than the others, I focus on that particular female and the rest of the world is shut out. At hindsight, I realized that I’ve been emotionally stagnant all that time simply because all my attention has been on making sure that person is happy if I’m not really the reason why she’s smiling and started forgetting about myself.

    Yeah, there’s all that gripe and shite about true love never demands anything in return and whatnot. But believe me when I say true love is reciprocated by true love even in the simplest of gestures. If you’re not getting any, just walk on by. At least you’re moving forward.

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