Nothing But Mush

Earworms
Resolution by Romantic Mode. Gundam X’s second opening song.
Bukkirabou na Ai ni Oboretai (Wanna Drown in Rough Love) by Akira Sudou. Song from Bubblegum Crisis 2040.

Projects
-Checking papers again. Progress is better this time. Yay.
-Various villains for the latter part of The Black and the Purple

Angst alert. If you want to spare yourself from my bitter rantings, click that back button now. Go to Google, and look for something else that’s a lot more fun to read. Happy? Good.😀 Now if you want to know what made me write again all of a sudden, click more.

So it was a productive day. I enjoyed giving my students their listening exercise, and everyone had fun. I had a good lunch (chicken picatta and spaghetti al pesto, prepared by my brother), and had a good, productive afternoon at Starbucks. It rained the whole afternoon, so I decided to stay at my table longer than usual. I got to record a hefty stack of papers and even got to craft a very interesting monster for my players to tussle with in the later stages of The Black and the Purple.

I was feeling full, so I just grabbed a piece of chicken curry naan bread from Breadtalk. It’s all good. Then I saw [this post] on Martin’s blog. I’d rather reflect on it than actually comment on the style and all that, so just read it for yourself.

As I read the story, I began to reflect if I ever felt that way. If I ever felt such a powerful mutual attraction. It’s not just a matter of hormones here. It’s a realization, a penetrating insight into destiny itself. A realization, I realized, that I’ve never had.

I’m less than 36 hours away from turning 24. I realized I’d been feeling this way since I was nine. Wow, fifteen years of this ridiculous stirring. This feeling of wanting. It’s no accident that “wanting” can be a synonym for “lacking.” Two-thirds of that was spent pining over someone who would never respond with anything more meaningful than monosyllables. One-third of that poisoned by the memory of wanting to comfort her once, but being such a mess of a man that I couldn’t bring myself to even sit down beside her and hold her hand for a few seconds. I’d rather be run through than remember this again.

It was just recently that I severed the strings of my heart from her forever. She’s a fantastic woman, really. Just that I couldn’t make anything happen. I tried. It really sucked to feel like a nuisance to someone like her. I guess I could thank her for dropping me gently. She really is a person I hate to hate.

In any case, that leaves me free. For what, I have no idea. I’m tired of all the patronizing “You’ll find someone eventually” and “I’m sure she’s out there somewhere” lines from well-meaning people. Yeah, eventually. Yeah, somewhere. Vague, hazy, completely useless. It’s gotten to the point where I sneer whenever I see couples. Yes, sneer. Roll my eyes. Clench my teeth. Snort unceremoniously. I get tempted to lash out at something, break it for laughing at my loneliness.

I want to feel something. It’s like I’d prefer to actually love and bleed than stay here alone and not suffer. 24 years of being alone. 15 years of being duped. I don’t want to stay like this. I don’t like being bitter. It already manifests itself as a psychosomatic itch that I’ve had for so long. It just never goes away. It likes traveling, though.

I look back at all those years and just see myself sitting alone all the time, wanting to give someone a piece of my life. Of course, that one person I obsessed with for so long declined. Politely, of course.

So I guess it’s no surprise that I would just rather bury myself in video games and Dungeons & Dragons. At least I get to know which way the story’s going. At least I can predict some events to a certain extent. Some may argue that I was spared all the heartache. I’ve seen that in the lives of my friends, sure. Relationships don’t always turn out right. People fight, people get sick of each other, people part separate ways. Painful, yes. The thing is, there’s life in that. There’s learning. When you trip and skin your knee, you get up. You improve, and you learn.

But when you’re in my position, dangling over the abyss, seeing nothing, feeling nothing, knowing nothing, loving nothing, there isn’t really much you can learn from. There’s no life. There is no light or darkness, just an awful lot of nothing.

In case you’re wondering why my usual elvenmetal isn’t boring itself into my brain through my ears, here’s what I’m listening to right now. Resolution by Romantic Mode.

 

itsudatte hontou wa sagashi-tsuzuketeita
massugu ni mitsumeru koto kowagatteita
anata ga iru kara arukidaseru ashita e
donna toki mo osorenai de

“onaji yume ga aru” sono kagayaki no naka e
sukoshizutsu chikazuite yuku nido to mayowanai de

(*Truthfully, I was always searching,
Afraid to stare straight ahead.
It’s only because you’re here that I can face tomorrow
Don’t be scared, no matter when

We have the same dream” Within that shine
We walk closer to each other, so don’t ever get lost)

Haha. Just that there’s no one here. Haha. Hahaha. Ahahahaha.

itsudatte hontou wa motome-tsuzuketeita
kokorogoto yasumeru basho tsutsumaretakute

anata ni deatte wakari-hajimeta subete
atsuku mune ga ugokidashita

“onaji yume ga aru” sono mabushisa wo itsumo
hanasazu ni dakishimeteiru nido to furimukanai

(Truthfully, I was always requesting
I want to find a place where I can rest with my heart and all

When I met you, everything became clear
My heart began beating passionately

“We have the same dream” That brightness is always
(I’m) Hugging it, never letting go, so don’t ever look back)

Well, “you” currently does not exist. How amazing!

Here’s Wanna Drown in Rough Love.

yume ai yuujou sonnan ja nai
hadaka ni narazu ni tsukame yashinai

aishiteru naratada gamushara ni
aiseba ii dake
kanaetai naratada hitasura ni
hashireba ii dake
…jirettai

aishiteru naratada gamushara ni
aiseba ii dake
kanaetai naratada hitasura ni
hashireba ii dake

(A dream… Love… Friendship… It’s nothin’ like that.
You can’t grab hold of it without baring yourself.

If I love, then it would be nice
to be loved recklessly…
If I want my dream to come true, I should
run to it single-mindedly
…How irritating.

If I love, then it would be nice
to be loved recklessly…
If I want my dream to come true, I should
run to it single-mindedly)

Nothing to run to, nothing to hope for, and I’ve just made myself the most undesirable man on the planet.

Get thee away from me! I am but an otaku with questionable hygiene habits! I am merely a gamer who tries to escape from this world! I am only a grunt government employee who doesn’t earn much! I do nothing all day but think about gaming and surfing the net and occasionally wallow in self pity!

Seriously. Get away from me. You deserve better.

The Black Lion

~ by J. R. R. Flores on October 2, 2007.

2 Responses to “Nothing But Mush”

  1. Well, you’re far from being an otaku in the literal sense which is bad hygiene and just fscking a sex doll all day inside your room. You’re relatively well-travelled, very well-educated, sophisticated in the ways of food.

    I guess the only difference is that you don’t have multiple circles of friends outside of your church. (tell me if I’m wrong)

    I know you’re tired of hearing people say you need to go out more or you need to wait instead of look for that special someone. I would say, you need to look available. And it’s not in how you dress but in how you act. Set achievable goals relationship-wise. Friends. (pshaw! friends?!) You spend quite a lot of time in Starbucks and in your church. Find someone who can keep pace with you. Chil doesn’t dig Gundams but with frequent exposure, she eventually did. (she was the one who pushed me to buy the 5K GFF Psyco Gundam) It’s a weird piece of advise but it’s true. Collect and collect then select. I would say, be sweet with everyone and then redirect your energies to those who reciprocate your concern for them. Because and this day and age, it’s pointless to be sweet to a wall. Be generally sweet, thoughtful and funny to ever lady you fancy as a “possibility” then focus on those who return those “generally sweet, thoughtful and funny gestures”. That’s just one step forward.

    But I know you’ll get there. You’ve got more resources than I do. You have a car. You have a lot of connections. You’re sophisticated. You can talk about numerous topics and make them sound interesting to practically everyone. You laugh heartily to every joke. And you love recalling funny moments in life. People love being around people like that. You just have to make yourself known, be visible and be available.

  2. wow. I’m about to give my own teacher advise on luuurv. (actually, I should be doing a crew essay but don’t tell sir arghs bout that^^)

    Love ain’t pretty, Sir. It can make you feel really awful (as you’ve well know) and I’m not going to dish out the clichés of “You’ll find someone eventually” and “I’m sure she’s out there somewhere” because just as you’ve said, they don’t help. Just a note. To some extent, clichés have received their status because they’re true, however annoying. I guess you just have to be patient, Sir.
    “But when you’re in my position, dangling over the abyss, seeing nothing, feeling nothing, knowing nothing, loving nothing, there isn’t really much you can learn from. There’s no life. There is no light or darkness, just an awful lot of nothing.”
    Okie, so you could strangle me for advising patience. You’ve been very patient, Sir and have totally disproved the common belief that teens just get infatuated and don’t really love. That was a long time, Sir and that was love. That experience, however, has (or should have) prepared you for this er.. waiting.
    “Get thee away from me! I am but an otaku with questionable hygiene habits! I am merely a gamer who tries to escape from this world! I am only a grunt government employee who doesn’t earn much! I do nothing all day but think about gaming and surfing the net and occasionally wallow in self pity! Seriously. Get away from me. You deserve better. ”
    You are soooo not an otaku, sir. *mimics echi/gero: you broke my imagination^^* You are a gamer, government employee and yes, wallow in self-pity. But why the heck would anyone have a problem with that?O___o You are a wonderful guy, Sir and any woman who has a problem with your hobbies doesn’t deserve you. I’m not going to suggest you change anything other than just open your eyes to anyone. Keep your mind open but no need to flirt, Sir. Teehee. If you were our age, girls, yes camilang girls, would lap you up like honey. Which is freaky but oh well. 😄
    This is pretty late a reply, I know. Sorry for er.. pulling this topic out again. *winces*
    Oh, and if anyone you like thinks she deserves better, she just doesn’t know what she’s missing. wooshoo.

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