I’d Rather Hope.
Typically I avoid melodrama on my blog. I find it somewhat unfair to dump my concerns on people I don’t even know. However, the point of this post isn’t to unnecessarily burden any random passers by with the concerns of a person who might as well be from another galaxy.The point is to give hope to people who might actually have common ground with me.
Last week, my grandfather was rushed to the hospital, complaining of difficulty breathing. The doctors found water in his lungs, but suspected something else. Their fears were confirmed just as they hooked up an ECG to him—he was actually in the process of having a heart attack.
The doctors rushed to give him an angioplasty in order to ease the blockages in his coronary arteries, and the procedure was fine. Lolo was awake for about a day. When I visited, however, he was asleep.
The doctors said that his kidneys were having a problem, and that the creatinine in his system was causing him to sleep. Over the course of a few days, he’s had a fever that made his condition worse, then it left, then it came back. What’s worse is that the CAT scan they took of his brain showed multiple strokes, as I’d mentioned in the previous entry.
For the past week or so, my grandfather has remained asleep. It’s neither a coma nor braindeath. Just earlier today I saw him thrashing a bit as a new tube was inserted into his nose, and I saw his face contort in pain. It was an awful sight, but it was nonetheless reassuring. At least there was still life left in him.
I’m still clinging onto hope. I still want him to awaken. And somehow his grimace of pain has reassured me a bit.
Today I held onto his hand and told him I wanted him to be around for my wedding. I don’t know when that’s going to happen, but whenever it will be, I want him to be around to see it.
I pray he wakes up soon.
Nevertheless, the Lord has been teaching me the true depth of His peace.
4. Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
There were nights last week that I would just cry myself to sleep thinking about Lolo and all the beautiful things he’d done for me when I was a child. Other times my eyes would just mist up thinking of him and his frail, miserable state.
While I learned later on that Lolo wasn’t such a saint, knowledge of his wrongdoings did nothing to dim the memory of a pizza deliveryman suddenly appearing at my door, saying that Lolo had ordered a pizza for me. Nothing has dimmed my memory of him waking up very early in the morning just to buy the pandesal that I liked for breakfast.
Despite all those memories and the bittersweetness of them right now, I just couldn’t bring myself to curse God. I’d rather hope. I’d rather believe. And indeed, there is peace.
Lolo, wake up soon. We’re waiting for you.
You still have a wedding to attend.