A Merry Christmas to you all!

After a semi-productive  run at the gym yesterday (I borrowed my brother’s Nike+ sensor, messed up the recalibration, and ended up with a really high pace on my last run), I came home to see my brother had discovered something that filled me with a mixture of horror and amusement.


Apparently, ABS-CBN has purchased the rights for a localization of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight.

Beyond the obvious “why?” and “why Twilight?” questions, I don’t really know what to think of this. A student of mine said it probably wouldn’t get much worse, and would at least be funnier with Shaina Magdayao.

I do, however, know what I think of the original Twilight. If only for its completely retarded portrayal of vampires, I don’t even want to touch it. I never cared much for vampires (especially with their inflated powers), but Twilight portrayed them in such a manner that I felt I’d be insulted if I were a vampire.

What would the tragic Strahd von Zarovich of Ravenloft say, imprisoned as he is? Or Baron Sengir, evil overlord of Ulgrotha? Or my favorite vampire of all, the tyrannical genius King Kaius ir’Wynarn of Karrnath in Eberron? Even my own creation, the insane, swashbuckling perverted-mockery-of-her-human-self Ardragon Millia the Lance (who was supposed to be a boss in my D&D campaign and is actually a former party member) would find Edward Cullen laughable.


Zarovich, despite being an incredibly powerful necromancer and fighter, as well as being the absolute ruler of his domain, is cursed to meet a woman whom he believes is Tatyana, his brother’s fiancee whom he loved, and see her die. Over and over again. That is tragedy. (Zarovich art by William O’Connor) Zarovich is my vampire of choice when it comes to tragedy.


Baron Sengir of Ulgrotha, from M:tG.

Sengir: the epitome of vampire attitude. Just look at Baron Sengir’s flavor text. Beast. Defiler. He has attitude, and people attest to that. He corrupted Ihsan, the most powerful paladin of the local order, and turned him into an undead specter. His personal bodyguard was a good guy who had to turn bad (Veldrane), his “grandmother” is a wizard who caused the last apocalypse on that plane (Grandmother Sengir), his “daughter” is a dwarf sorceress he stole from the local clan, and nobody on the entire plane dares to mess with him.

Edward Cullen, meanwhile, sneaks into his love interest’s bedroom and watches her sleep. Seriously, girls, would you want that?


(Art by Lucio Parillo)

Kaius: The epitome of Vampire Power. I think the motivator says enough, but let me add some more:

Strength 23, Dexterity 22, Constitution —, Intelligence 20, Wisdom 18, Charisma 23.

For those not-well versed in D&D, a Str of 23 means he can bench-press 600 pounds, but it’s not like he needs to. A Dexterity of 22 means he can run circles around almost anyone, except maybe air elementals. Constitution — means he’s [un]dead. Intelligence 20 means he has genius IQ, and Wisdom 18 means he has the common sense to back that up. And 23 Charisma means he has an entire nation willingly serving him, or at least serve his country. Instead of drinking animal blood, he has a harem of fanatics who willingly let him feed off them. (Btw, the average human commoner is supposed to have a 10 in all stats.)

Oh, and yes. He’s actually pursuing world peace and willingly embraced the evil cult of Vol (who afflicted him with vampirism) to save his nation in its darkest hour.

As for immunity to sunlight, he’s got that covered. Whenever he means someone outside, he simply asks his clerics to cast protective spells on him. He’s good with that sword too, being an 11th-level Fighter.

He’s basically Dracula, Hitler, Lelouch vi Britannia, and Suzaku Kururugi combined.  (And yes, D&D vampires have the ability to dominate people with their gaze.)

Eat your heart out, Edward Cullen.

I should not fail to mention this one, which I find immensely hilarious.

In any case, if you really like Twilight, then you’re free to your opinions. Just saying that it’s really not a vampire story. It’s Sweet Valley High with haemovores.

All trademarks are owned by their respective owners, not me.


For some reason, my Nike+ is now working again. I can offer no explanations as to why this happened. I just hope it lasts longer and works properly for my runs tomorrow and over the weekend.


Finally, in the spirit of the season and as a response to all the cloying political correctness of this age:

(You never expect Stephen Colbert to be politically-correct anyway.)


~ by J. R. R. Flores on December 25, 2008.

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