I haven’t been posting a lot lately. Mostly because I don’t know what to write here anymore.

There’s a lot to rant about, but I don’t feel like ranting much anymore. I feel that writing about the misery of life here is pointless; I just drag people into my personal troubles and, to some extent, throw it into the fan.

It’s easy to write about geekiness, video games, anime, and the random curiosities of life. There’s little emotional commitment; I just put together my opinion and throw it on here. The “Drizzt in Magic” entry is testament to this—I just spent an entire afternoon thinking about translating game mechanics from Dungeons & Dragons to Magic: The Gathering, and already I get a lot of readers.

On the other hand, it seems that no matter how much I argue my points about card design and game mechanics, people just don’t seem to care. They all have their preconceived notions of how awesome (or how underwhelming) Drizzt Do’Urden is. It’s amazing to see just how strongly people feel about a guy who doesn’t even exist. The sad part is that this entry draws the most Google hits. Should I be thankful for this? Do people bother to click on my archives and read my other entries? Doesn’t look like it.

Ultimately, I don’t really know why I write such things. I can’t even remember why I wasted a whole afternoon thinking about card design for a game I don’t play anymore.

Writing about my angst is another easy thing to do. It almost feels like a Sith Lord exercise of some kind. I just ruminate on the events of the day and summon up just how badly I feel about the things that happened, and kind of throw it up here, like a kind of autoinduced existential diarrhea. Easy to start—just swallow one nasty event—but hard to stop. I could just rant on and on and on about how oppressed I feel or how unjust humanity is or how ignorant people can get.

What’s the point, though? Do I want empathy? Do I want support? Or do I just want to get a load off my chest?

Doing so seems to do nothing more but project a negative aura and scare people away. I don’t know exactly how many people I know read my blog, but maybe it’s helped cast a bad light on my own character or mental state, or simply make people feel bad.

It seems that I need to rethink what I want to post here, exactly. My posting has gone down dramatically over the past year or so. I don’t think it’s because there was nothing to write about; this year brought an unhealthy amount of rant-worthy scandals. I wasn’t that busy, all things considered.

I don’t want to abandon this blog; I’m just not the kind of person who leaves things hanging. I want to continue posting.

I have a month more to think.


~ by J. R. R. Flores on April 26, 2009.

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